| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|09:25 am] |
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a lot has happened recently but i kinda don't feel like getting into all of it..but basically i'm once again just in the same uncomfortable situations with my family that i have been for the past 6 months. everytime i leave the house my mom just gets mad and it's not fair. i don't understand it. i've been spending a lot more time at home so when i go out she shouldnt be so rude about it. and its only because im hanging out with john. if i were going out with someone else she'd be happy. it's unfair..it's really just kind of strange. i don't get it. she said it makes her depressed when i leave to hang out with him. why? it doesnt make sense. i just hate always feeling awkward and on edge in my own house. it makes me hate living here. it makes me never want to be here. i feel like i'm in prison a lot of times when i'm at home. because i know if i leave, my mom will just get more upset and 'worried' and then i'll feel guilty all day. everytime i tell her i'm going to leave to go out, she just groans and says 'okaayy...' in a bitchy voice. what am i supposed to do? when i'm here i just feel trapped. and i know she doesnt like my relationship with john because of our age difference and because i was 'spending too much time' with him, but now that i've been spending more time here she should ease up on her attitude about it. it really isnt fair to me..and i want to go out today, but i won't because i don't want to have to deal with her attitude. i feel like a child. i'm a month away from being 20 years old. i should have a little more freedom. i hate living at home. i really, really hate it. i hate having my parents so involved in my life and i just feel like i need some distance from them and a lot more privacy. i cant wait til i get a decent job. as soon as i can afford it, im out of here. and its not because im rebellious and im too bad to live here or anything..its because i feel trapped and under a microscope all the time. i hate this. i am so so so confused about my relationship too. im not confused about us..just about where it will ever be able to go if my parents refuse to ever accept it. it sucks so bad. the one time im happy and in a relationship that feels good to be in, it still cant make me happy because of my parents..this is such a terrible situation. why cant they just let me be happy? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|07:29 pm] |
god i hate you so much..i guess i don't really 'hate' you i just hate the way i feel. WHY DO I CARE SO FUCKING MUCH WHEN ITS LIKE YOU MOST LIKELY NEVER CARED IN THE LEAST? i hate that i was fed bullshit and lies for so long. i hate that i let you back in so many times. youre not worth it, you never fucking were. godddddd i feel so depressed about this whole situation today. and i KNOW i shouldnt let someone like you get to me like this. but i cant help it anymore. i wish we'd never met...
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|08:35 pm] |
i started my job on thurs. night. it wasnt bad but mostly all i did was cleaning since i closed..then i worked today from 7-2. it was really easy. i just did the cash register mostly and made a few drinks & sandwiches. the only thing im worried about is learning how to make everything but hopefully ill catch on fast enough. and i made $25 in tips today. which means i made like $9 an hour which is good..and sometimes ill be making more than that in tips. i just have to be careful to not spend all my tips because yeah..thats a lot of the money ill be making. i worked with this guy, ryan whos the manager all day..hes really cool and easy to get along with so thats good. i work tomorrow 7-2 and saturday 7-3. probably next week ill have more hours because ill be almost fully trained and plus its spring break so itll be busy.
so today ashley had an interview for this job/school program in san marcos where you live there for 9 months and they basically just train you for a certain field and help you get a job or whatever..and you eat there and shit and everything. its completely government funded. and she got accepted and she leaves for it on april 3rd..i saw pictures of it, it looks like a fucking army barracks or something out of girl interrupted. so depressing..im pissed at her for leaving too. i dont think we'll be friends anymore now and deep down it truly kills me. shes the only friend ive managed to keep for a long period of time. i tell her everything..we do everything together and shes pretty much the only person in the world besides jackie that im 100 percent comfortable with. it sucks so bad..i dont want her to go. especially since all my other friends (besides courtney) have been flakes recently. meg always only hanging out with brandon, and natalie only hanging out with sic..im just so depressed about all this. but i cant tell ashley that because it seems like she almost doesnt even care..and thats kinda what hurts me the most. damn..this sucks so so so bad.
& i can't stop thinking about him..i hate it. i dont know what to do to keep my mind away from it all.
i'm not bitter anyway....let it go..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|10:09 am] |
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so where'd you go?
how was your vacation home?
well obviously you were busy..too busy for me.
so this is how you leave me.
i'm broken hearted on the floor
my tears seep through the crack under my door
where i am locked in..shut down
i'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground.
so happy valentine's day..
i hope the suns out in new york.
i hope he bought you roses. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|11:48 am] |
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I was so paranoid and worried going to bed last night. I could barely sleep. I don't want to talk about it..but I'm just scared right now. I really want to move away.I think my mom kinda thinks its a good idea too. I don't even care to where, just somewhere far enough to forget (almost) everyone here. I need to start over. I need to find new friends. I need to get over him. I need to change a lot of things about myself..And I don't think I can do all of that here, I really don't. I just know I can't deal with all of this anymore.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|12:01 pm] |
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Wish I would have never given in to you. Wish I would never have let you back in. I missed you, but not enough to let myself hurt this way all the time because of you. I can't take anymore pain.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|03:08 pm] |
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i fucking hate myself for last night. i would do ANYTHING to take it all back. i told him all my secrets, all things that he didn't need to know..im so embarassed. i cant get that drunk anymore. i have never been so drunk in my entire life and i didnt even throw up or pass out, but i wish i would have..I HATE YOU!!!! no, i dont hate you..i hate me for talking to you again and spilling my heart out to you and everything else..i fucking hate this. im so full of regret right now... |
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| saying goodbye.. |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|06:57 pm] |
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it's finally time for me to say goodbye to all these memories...
-driving around listening to mixtape on repeat
-you waiting outside my class to surprise me by picking me up from school
-sitting in the tunnel at brittany lakes park drinking out of a bottle of liquor
-drinking malibu at glen cove park at night
-playing truth or dare in the middle of the night at the park
-saying we were 'sweethearts'
-"i bought the whole half bottle crchh"
-going out to bars
-driving home drunk as fuck singing taking back sunday and thursday at the top of our lungs
-listening to three miles down together
-our date to carrabbas and listening to frank sinatra on the way there
-forcing me to order food at restaurants even when i wasn't hungry just so you could buy me something
-trip to killeen
-hookah bar shows
-driving to super happy fun land because i wanted to see buxton
-competing over who was the bigger taking back sunday fan
-listening to old blink 182 songs and staying in on a friday night
-teaching me how to play darts and me kicking your ass everytime after that
-overdrafting my debit card so we could get the chinese food we were craving so bad
-"round two"
-"wake up princess leia"
-"wake up sleeping beauty"
-me skipping school and you skipping work so we could hang out
-driving and you holding my hand and kissing it every so often
I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. it kills me to have to ignore you, but it's the only way i will ever get over you..if i answer your calls or texts it's just like me taking one huge step backwards..i never thought it would be this hard. i felt so strong about it at first but now with each voicemail and text message i get from you it keeps getting harder and harder. i wish we could work out, but i know you'll never treat me the way i want to be treated so there's no use in me trying anymore..i miss you more than i ever thought i would. you are the reoccuring kind, you never really leave my mind.
but my mind is made up & i'll never let you in again... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|02:19 am] |
all i want is for you to call me princess leia again and sit around and listen to old blink 182 songs all night like we did and fall asleep next to you..i wish we could work out but i realize it's next to impossible. i wish i could turn back time to new years eve '04 and start all over from our first kiss and make things the way they should have been all along.
I've got her in my head
At night when I go to bed
And I know it sounds lame, but
She's the girl of my dreams
And of course I'd do anything for her
I'd search the moons of Endor
I'd even walk naked through
The deserts of Tatooine
Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who's laying there by your side?
Every night I fall asleep with you
And I wake up alone
And even though I'm not as cool as Han
I still want to be your man
You're exactly the kind of
Alderranian that I need
But when you were available, I was
Drinking Colt 45's with Lando
I was hanging out in the cantina
On Mos Eisley
Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who's laying there by your side?
Every night I fall asleep with you
And I wake up alone
Princess Leia..Princess Leia
Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who's laying there by your side?
Every night I fall asleep with you
And I wake up alone |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|05:59 am] |
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I should hate you but I can't replace you in my heart..Why am I so pathetic? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|02:38 am] |
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i guess i'll always stop and see you, and we'll run into each other's lives. yeah, i guess. although it tears me up inside. everytime it burns my eyes with tears. but i know you're worth the pain. i've so much more to gain by waiting for you. you're going away, but you're not going far. so if he decides to leave you alone and crying. you know i'm still here, the faithful one.
it sucks how that song is how i feel for you, but you probably feel exactly that way about her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|01:43 am] |
i'm an idiot.
all the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
when all i want.....is you |
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| so here's my goodbye. no one will cry over me..i'm not worth any tears. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|01:11 am] |
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FUCK YOU. im so tired of this..being let down over and over again. you've let me down for so long without even knowing it. and i hate the fact you tried to apologize for anything youve ever done to hurt me. youre not sorry because you continue to hurt me every single day, even when we dont talk. actually, especially when we dont talk. im getting my money from you, and i'm done with this. you mean so much to me but im sick of caring about you more than i care about me. |
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| losing a whole year. |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|04:18 am] |
i've been thinking about last summer a lot. and it's like nothing has happened to me in this entire year. no new boyfriends, no emotional breakdowns, no life changing events. i feel like i've wasted the last year. pretty much the only thing that's happened is i graduated high school. which might not seem like much, but to me it was a big accomplishment. my high school years were really hard and i struggled a lot so to get through it was a big deal to me. anyway i just want something new. something to happen. i'm so lonely. i liked being single for awhile, but now i've had enough of it..but i've learned it's so hard to find someone i'm compatible with. only one boyfriend i've actually had has been compatible with me. and i don't want to just settle for someone. i want to actually have a real, good, healthy relationship. i want someone who has somewhat of a softside but also someone that can be a hardass. i want a guy with a lot of tattoos but not so many that they can't be covered up if i want to go somewhere nice. i want a guy with similar music interests. i want a guy that is respectful of me and my feelings and wants to hang out a lot but also gives me space. i want a guy that i can be my complete self around and he'll love me no matter what..i just want someone that really understands me and knows me well. i don't know what i'm doing wrong but there's gotta be something. recently i found someone that i thought was really good for me..practically perfect. it sucks because i guess he didn't have the same feelings because obviously i wouldn't be here writing about it. i don't know why..i felt like we clicked really well and could have a good time but apparently not. it kinda sucks because it's been forever that i've felt that way for someone. i'm not that kind of person that will come right out and say how i feel so i can't ask him what happened. guess it just wasn't meant to be which is really unfortunate but that's just how it goes..someone recently told me that good things are coming to me and i hope more than anything that's true. i've been waiting for so long. i just want someone who will add to my life rather than take away from it. that's the main thing i'm looking for.
and you tell yourself what you want to hear..cause you have to believe...this will be my year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|11:14 am] |
you told me that you wanna die
i said i've been there myself, more than a few times
i go back every once in awhile
call me lucky, you call me lucky
said tonight is a wonderful night to die
i asked how you could tell
you told me to look at the sky
look at all those stars...
look at how goddamn ugly the stars are. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|04:50 pm] |
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i HATE people, most of them being my 'friends'. a bunch of fucking idiots..selfish pieces of shit that are FAKE AS FUCK. yeah cool say you like certain things just because your boyfriend does and you want to impress people. fuck off..youre so fake. the only reason i talk to you is because i want to at least hang out with ONE girl instead of all guys. what a mistake. youre a fucking bitch. everyone knows it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|04:57 pm] |
you tell me it's almost summer..
oh how i wish i could spend mine by your side. |
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| what i wish people knew about me.. |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|07:32 pm] |
i am extremely sensitive and hate losing friends so i don't know why i lose them more than i make them. i feel like i try SO hard just to be nice to people and make them happy and be a good friend but it always backfires for no reason. i'm so unbelievably lonely. i have no one to turn to, i really don't. sometimes i just want to lay in bed forever or not wake up the next morning so i can maybe save myself from more let downs and being sad. what the hell is wrong with me that i can't seem to keep friends? i DONT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i honestly dont..im sorry that i care too much and im sorry that i feel too deeply but i do..im sick of people saying i take things too seriously. some things NEED to be taken seriously. i hate saying im so unhappy because i know so many people have it way worse than me and i know im a selfish piece of shit but i cant help it. i dont know how to express myself with words very well. so this is not making sense. guess im staying home tonight and crying or something. the funny thing is i could probably find things to do but i dont really want to make an effort. i feel like if people wanted to hang out with me, they would call me. and i already lost two of my closest friends this month. it hurts so fucking bad..especially the feeling of being more alone than i was before.
don't go..you said you wouldn't....... |
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| i am i said.. |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|06:49 pm] |
you know i keep thinking about making my way back..well i'm new york city born and raised, but now a days i'm lost between two shores..L.A.'s fine but it ain't home, new york's home but it ain't mine no more..i am i said. to no one there. and no one heard at all, not even the chair. i am i cried..i am, said i..and i am lost and i can't even say why, leaving me lonely still. but i got an emptiness deep inside and i've tried but it won't let me go. and i'm not a man who likes to swear, but i never cared for the sound of being alone.
i dont want to go out of town for christmas!!! it makes me so sad..to be away from my REAL family and go spend christmas with my dads side in colorado..i hate them. they dont even know me and they never will because i could never be myself in front of them. i miss papa..and my whole family and it sucks so bad. this is our first christmas without him and i have to spend it away from the people i care about. and im already lonely as it is and i have to be away from my friends too. and everyone else..it sucks so bad. i am DREADING new years so much. its so depressing and even more so because no matter what it wont live up to last years. even though at the time it wasnt that great now i look back and would kill to get the moment it turned midnight back. i dont know..im over him, but still miss him. i guess because he cared so much about me and i was so fucked up at that time. and no one else saw me like he did..whatever. i dont know whats gonna happen this year but i hope its better than the last. i hope i graduate. i just want this fucking week to end!!! and get this bullshit over with. im dreading it so much. well i guess ill stop writing here. i dont even know where i was going with all of that. |
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